


cause all you’ll ever be is a nightmare and a wet dream

by punkenigma



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a sorta happy ending?, Canon Compliant, Canon Jewish Character, Canonical Character Death, Car Accidents, Drinking to Cope, Drunk Driving, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kleinsen is implied but could be read as platonic, M/M, So it could be real, Some divergencd, Song fic, Underage Drinking, although you never hear from jared post good for you, drinking and driving, if car stuff triggers you don’t read please, in the same type of car I gave jared, ironically i have ptsd from a car crash, not beta’d, not really - Freeform, projection much?, sorry bout that, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 07:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14373531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkenigma/pseuds/punkenigma
Summary: The night after Jared confronted Evan at school and Jared’s parents haven’t used their liquor cabinet since Rosh Hashanah years ago.(Angstier than the summary sounds trust me)





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> Song fic based off of “Blonde Hair, Black Lungs” by Sorority Noise — title is from it as well
> 
> This started strong but got very rambley the later into the night it turned, so sorry about that
> 
> Another episode in I Love Jared Kleinman And Project My Issues Onto Him, this time featuring my car crash ptsd
> 
> My friend wanted me to end this happily but,,,, I chose something more open ended. It can be happy if you want it to be homies

\-  _ Maybe the reason you talk to me, Jared, is because you don’t have any other friends! _

__ _ \- I could tell everyone everything! _

__ _ \- Go and do that! Tell everyone that you wrote emails pretending to be a kid who killed _

_ himself! _

__ _ \- Fuck you, Evan! Asshole! _

 

Jared sucked in a sharp breath, wiping furiously at his eyes. He looked around his room. His bed was unmade, his floor was a mess, and the only clean surface was his desk - its contents were scattered on the floor in various states of distress. Much like Jared. He looked at the bottle in his hand, some off brand liquor from Rosh Hashanah years ago. His vision drifted to the phone in his lap. The screen was still black, still barren. He clicked the home button and looked at his lock screen. It was a picture of him and Evan, more specifically Evan. One from the beginning of this entire fiasco. Jared’s face took up the bottom left corner of the image and behind him sat Evan, hunched over his laptop, unaware of the stalker-esc picture being snapped of him. 

_ Pitiful. _ Jared locked his phone again and took another swig from the bottle. He was about halfway done with it now, breaking his personal record for speed to inebriation. He drank again, eyeing the phone in his hand. It stayed blank. 

_ What’re you expecting, asshole? For Evan to fly back to you, crying and begging for your friendship? He’s moved on. He’s got friends.  _ He’s _ not the one getting wasted in his room; alone. _

He tossed his phone to his bed, deciding that pretending he wasn’t paying attention to it was a better solution that openly admitting he was lonely. He felt his mind grow hazier by the minute and he smiled. It didn’t quite reach his eyes. With newfound determination, he finished the liquor, slamming the bottle onto his desk. He debated going to steal more but while his parents didn’t drink often enough to notice one bottle missing, two would surely be picked up on. He spun in his chair, turning to face the windows on the opposing wall. Knicknacks littered the windowsill, everything from purple and blue geodes to empty cola cans, old lego figurines and used tissues. A mess, like him. And then, as if in a game of “one of these does not belong,” sat his sixteenth birthday gift from Evan. How it stayed alive this long, he wasn’t sure. Probably sentiment.

 

//

_ “I’ve got it!” Jared exclaimed. His sudden burst caused Evan to jump and nearly tumble out of his chair. Composing himself, he replied, _

__ _ “Got what?” _

__ _ Jared rolled his eyes. _

__ _ “A name, dumbass.” He gestured to the windowsill. Evan gave a silent nod, waiting for him to continue. With a glint in his eye, Jared paused for dramatic effect and then, wildly spreading his hands, he announced, _

__ _ “Nicholas Sage.” _

__ _ He waited, eyebrows raised expectantly. Evan snorted. Pushing himself upright, replied, _

__ _ “Jared, it’s a fern.” _

__ _ Jared waved him off, grabbing a sharpie from his desk. He walked over and scribbled on the pot, still smiling. He tossed Evan the sharpie and “dusted” off his hands.  _

__ _ “As if you could come up with better, Hansen.” _

__ _ There was a silence between the two as Jared flung himself back onto his bed. Evan stifled a laugh. _

__ _ “Ferngully” _

__ _ “Oh fuck you!” _

 

//

__ Jared sucked in another breath and squeezed his eyes shut. He clenched his fists and counted,

_ One… _

__ _ Two… _

__ _ Fuck it _ .

He swung himself from his chair and grabbed the empty liquor bottle. Without much thought, he lurched forward, slamming the bottle into the side of the plant. Glass shattered everywhere as the pot knocked to the floor. The plant spilled to the floor, dirt caking into the white carpet. His mom was going to kill him, but at this point he didn’t care. 

His foggy mind leant well to making rash decisions. He kept thinking back to the passed day, week, month. He should’ve seen it coming. He should’ve pulled away when he had the chance. He had conditioned himself for years to box himself off from the world; avoid confrontation. Don’t get hurt. Why didn’t he listen? He should have listened.

 

//

 

“ _ Maybe the reason you talk to me, Jared, is because you don’t have any other friends!” _

__ _ “I could tell everyone everything!” _

__ _ “Go and do that! Tell everyone that you wrote emails pretending to be a kid who killed _

_ himself!” _

__ _ “Fuck you, Evan! Asshole!” _

 

//

 

He didn’t know when he got in his car. He didn’t remember grabbing his keys, his phone, or any of it. He didn’t remember putting the key in the ignition. He did, however, remember grabbing his phone. The screen - still blank, always blank - mocked him. He unlocked it, shaking hands a mix of anxiety and intoxication. 

_ [ New Text Message] ; Select _

__ _ — Acorn _

__ _ Thanks for everything. It was nice while it lasted, Hansen. _

__ _ [Send] _

He turned the ignition and the car roared to life. It wasn’t much, a shoddy ‘96 Infiniti, but it gave him an escape. He liked it. Evan had liked it, once upon a time. He didn’t need rides anymore though, he had the Murphys for that. He had them for everything: family, friends,  _ family friends _ . 

He gripped the wheel. Putting the car in reverse, he careened out of the driveway and into the empty street. His vision was hazy and he couldn’t see for shit. The road was usually a hotspot for deer at night, but he didn’t care- couldn’t care. He was done with caring.

The night whizzed by, house lights blurring and mixing with the music of the radio.  _ When had he turned that on? _ His windows were down, cool air pooling around him like blood; his hand, he forgot about his hand. It was caked in blood. It was too dark to tell where the cuts were. He reached the main road. He sped through the stop sign, and the following light. And the light after that. His phone buzzed from beside him. He grabbed it, lights flashing ahead of him. Checked the notification. It was a twitter notification. He unlocked his phone, pulled up messages. Select: Acorn. No New Messages.

_ Thanks for everything. It was nice while it lasted, Hansen. _

__ __ _ [Read at: 12:34 am] _

He looked at the radio clock. 12:40. Evan always responded. Except… now. Jared smiled. It didn’t quite reach his eyes. He tossed his phone down. It was dark. His vision was hazy. He ran another light. He didn’t know what lane he was in. He didn’t know where he was going. He didn’t know if anyone would find him. He saw a deer ahead. His white-knuckled grip on the wheel tightened. He smiled. It didn’t quite reach his eyes. His phone buzzed.


	2. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath

__ _ Local High School Student In Critical Condition After Car Crash. _

__ Evan’s hands shook as he gripped his phone. The headline glared at him. 

_ It was an accident, _ Zoe said.

_ He was intoxicated, _ Mrs. Kleinman said.

_ It’s not your fault, _ his mom said.

Looking at the comatose boy in front of him, he wasn’t convinced. All year and he had finally been convinced that what happened to Connor wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know him, not that he’d own up to that. He tried his best, but this… was less convincing. This could have been avoided. Unlike his… and Jared’s carefully crafted story, this Final Message  _ was _ meant for him.

He thought back to the previous day, week, month. He should’ve seen it coming. He should’ve noticed the signs.  _ Why hadn’t he noticed the signs? _

Jared had been more involved with him this year. He was around him more. He was friendlier. He was  _ trying. _ Until… Zoe. Until Zoe was his. Until he didn’t need more emails. Until Evan became  _ Evan. _ Became  _ Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy’s Best Friend.  _

He hunched over, shaking as sobs overtook his body. His phone was still clutched in his hand.  _ Why hadn’t he responded sooner? _ He reached over, hesitantly, and grabbed Jared’s hand. It was warm, clammy, and everything that a human furnace should be. Except awake, alive, and smiling. Except calling him ‘Hansen’. Except prodding at Evan’s ticks. Except making fun of his “ _ Fucking shoes. _ ” 

He wasn’t  _ Jared _ . Evan wanted  _ Jared _ . Evan squeezed the smaller boy’s hand and finally look up at his face. His eyes were shut and his left cheek was a swollen black and blue. He had stitches from the corner of his mouth to his the bottom of his cheek bone. If he had been awake, he without a doubt would’ve made a Joker reference. His neck was in a brace. Evan couldn’t remember what the doctors had said about his spine. Couldn’t remember the extent of his internal injuries. He knew Jared had flatlined— twice. He knew a blood transfusion was needed. He knew Jared could die.

One nurse had made a slip up and said  _ would _ die.

That thought had haunted him ever since. Jared couldn’t die, not yet. If anyone, Jared was the last one Evan thought would die. He was too…  _ Jared _ . He was too full of life— loud and proud. Jared was the kind of guy to dance through the halls, loudly proclaiming what a “how piece of ass Heath Ledger was,” disregarding Evan’s deep blush and mutterings for him to stop and be quiet. Now, though, Evan didn’t want that. He wanted to hear the loud and proud.

Jared’s face was peaceful. His eyes were closed

delicately and his mouth was resting and lacked any quirk of the lips. Evan released his hand and brushed his fingers lightly over the smile lines around his eyes. Evan couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Jared smile. Not the sarcastic smile or grimace he’d thrown Evan yesterday, coupled with a cold laugh. No, Evan couldn’t remember the last time he had seen a smile reach Jared’s eyes, the gap in his front teeth on full display. He couldn’t remember the last time he heard the loud, goofy, contagious laugh that Jared had always been self conscious of but that Evan found to be one of the most beautiful sounds he’d ever heard.

Would Evan ever hear that laugh again?

His phone buzzed. It was Zoe.

—  _ Evan _

_ Have you seen the website? Someone posted _

_ Connor’s letter. Mom & dad are freaked. Pls come fast! _

Evan took a deep breath. He’d been expecting

this text. He looked back over at Jared’s unmoving form and felt another sob rise in his throat. Biting back the tears, he reached his hand out one more time and squeezed. Jared let out a deep sigh, but remained still. Nodding, Evan let go. Reaching the door, he gave Jared one final once over. His heart wrenched. Zipping his hoodie, he shoved his hands into his pockets and looked to the floor. He shut the door behind him. He’d be back. 


End file.
